I thought I could pull this challenge off and signed up for it. I thought I could, I thought I could, I thought I could.
When Day 1 of the challenge was on, I had woken up at 5 am, started to work at 6:30 am and arrived home straight from school at 8 pm. I remembered the SOL Challenge an hour later and realised that the little engine couldn’t. I felt sad and bad with myself. How weak I was, how weak I was, how weak I was that I could not do the challenge for a 4th year! My brain was fried, my body had collapsed. After an hour lying in my bed debating whether I should get up and write something or not, I decided to let it go with no guilt. A sense of relief invaded my body. I curled up again, closed my eyes and felt asleep until my alarm went off at 5 am on Day 2. Today is Day 5. I will post this writing on Day 6 and maybe delete it on Day 7. And never post it as a comment on 2 writing teachers.
Maybe I can write when I can, when I feel it necessary, not every day but some days, just to leave some trace of my exhaustion. It has been a difficult year, and systemic inequities haven’t made it easier. My load is full and I am done trying to push it up the hill with little help. I need to let things go, and stop feeling that it is wrong or weak, or a way to prove my value to the world.
Sometimes we have to realize that we are like cuadradito, and we cannot be redonditos like everybody else in the Big House. And even if we want to believe we are one, we can’t change our shape, our accent, our skin color, our origins. I need to start believing that we are not the problem, and something else has to change.
So, today, I proclaim that the little engine couldn’t and she doesn’t give a dime. Well, maybe she does, but is working on it.
Note: The two books I reference in this SOL are The little engine that could by Watty Piper (seudonym) (1930) and Cuatro esquinitas de nada by Jérôme Ruillier [originally in French Quatre petits coins de rien du tout (2012) ; in English referred as Four little corners even though the book doesn’t have a print English version, only a weird app].